Sooo... Tomorrow is Monday...
I'm not even gonna say it. I'm just going to pretend like it's any other day, and simply try to be a healthier person. All this talk about diets has gotten me to the point where I can no longer stand the word. I think diets sorta imply that you are momentarily going to the extremes for a temporary gain (or in better terms a loss).
I have tons of clothes in my closet that I simply don't wear. It's not that I don't like them, they just don't fit. I go shopping and instead of buying what fits, I buy what I hope to fit in a week, a month, or whenever I finally stop stuffing my face with "comfort food". I think I need a lot of comfort, just not in the form of food. Everyone has their sad life story and I'm not exempt...and no not concerning the weight issue, life has its own agenda of getting me down sometimes, and though my relationship with God is a lot stronger these days and this usually keeps me sane and content, I'm not too familiar with happiness yet.
These past two days, I've eaten less, and also worked on my psychological outlook of myself. It's easy to wake up in the morning and think about all the things that are wrong with your life, but if you wake up and choose something that you like about yourself, and something that you have going for you, the outlook on the day becomes a whole lot brighter. I've also smiled more, whether I feel like it or not. Not like a complete fool walking around the tough streets of NY with a giddy smile on my face, but I've changed my oh so familiar expression of sadness to a face of contentment.
Well I'm off to have some strawberries..(healthy yum! lol) then relax as this beautiful Sunday winds down. I'm actually looking forward to the better me..I just gotta take one day at a time...One God given day at a time.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Lifting My Burdens
I suppose getting over the fact that something has got to give is enough to lift a few weights off your shoulders.
Today I woke up more determined to make a change for the better, and though it hasn't been perfect I definitely feel different. Maybe I was a little harsh on myself yesterday (bad day I guess), but the fact of the matter is, I am unhappy with my appearance. Yes I am a beautiful young woman, but I hide behind my weight far too much and I'm just not satisfied with it.
Today I went with a few friends and I tried something new. I stopped comparing myself with other people. It is something I do quite often and it always yields the same results, the gut feeling that I am a lesser person because I'm not a perfect size this or that. So anyway, today I stopped doing that, and I actually had a good time. I'm not saying I was perfect, but I did feel a sense of just letting go which felt good.
I have this thing where every time Monday morning comes around I start a new diet...and usually by Wednesday or Thursday I've gotten tired of it and binge on something that is far from the planned menu. The only time I can remember actually sticking to my plan was when I was on the diet program. Nothing against it in general, but who wants to go around for the rest of their lives weighing out EVERY LITTLE THING that goes into your mouth. I think that the least I can do though is to take the some tools I've learned from that program and use it to make it past Wednesday and Thursday afternoon, and especially Friday when a pizza always sounds like a great dinner.
Today I wasn't perfect but hopefully I learned something..oh yeah! I did...I am beautiful.
Today I woke up more determined to make a change for the better, and though it hasn't been perfect I definitely feel different. Maybe I was a little harsh on myself yesterday (bad day I guess), but the fact of the matter is, I am unhappy with my appearance. Yes I am a beautiful young woman, but I hide behind my weight far too much and I'm just not satisfied with it.
Today I went with a few friends and I tried something new. I stopped comparing myself with other people. It is something I do quite often and it always yields the same results, the gut feeling that I am a lesser person because I'm not a perfect size this or that. So anyway, today I stopped doing that, and I actually had a good time. I'm not saying I was perfect, but I did feel a sense of just letting go which felt good.
I have this thing where every time Monday morning comes around I start a new diet...and usually by Wednesday or Thursday I've gotten tired of it and binge on something that is far from the planned menu. The only time I can remember actually sticking to my plan was when I was on the diet program. Nothing against it in general, but who wants to go around for the rest of their lives weighing out EVERY LITTLE THING that goes into your mouth. I think that the least I can do though is to take the some tools I've learned from that program and use it to make it past Wednesday and Thursday afternoon, and especially Friday when a pizza always sounds like a great dinner.
Today I wasn't perfect but hopefully I learned something..oh yeah! I did...I am beautiful.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Epiphany
I guess everyone has one. That one moment in time when they realize something has got to give, change is necessary or life will ultimately get the best of you. I wonder if one can have more than one epiphanies. I sure feel like i have. Moments in my life where I feel like I've reached my ultimate low, however, instead of looking for change I dig myself deeper and deeper into a hole I never knew I could reach. Well, here I am...I've reached it.
They say I've always been a chubby child. You're just born that way. Some even try to use the line, you're just a big boned girl. Umm, after my several years of biological education, I've learned that there is no such term. The correct term is, Fat. Have I accepted that I am fat, yep! I crossed that off my list loong time ago. Have I accepted that I am beautiful even though I'm fat....nope. Just writing it is weird enough.
Yea yea yea, I've tried every diet and nothing works...no seriously, I've tried!! And sometimes, I've even succeed. For example, the 8th grade when I realized I'm going to high school and I want to be liked, I want to make friends, this is my chance to be someone else and open up and hiding my personality under this weight will not help, I went on a "diet". Better yet, I guess you can say I starved myself. I ate as little as I could, and exercised like crazy. I think they have a word for this...anorexia. But come on!! What fat person do you know has anorexia...welp, its obviously possible. Well that phase died out pretty quickly, though I did manage to lose quiet a bit of weight, I was not as successful in keeping it off. So back at square one I went. Theeen senior year...the "OMG! prom" phase kicked in. I joined a weight loss program, and dieted as strict as I could be, and loss like 50 pounds I would say, in a matter of months mind you. Therefore, I looked like instead of managing my food portions and blah blah, I looked like I was starving. But hey! I lost weight, that's all that mattered to me, and I would do anything in my power to keep it off. Even if that meant purging food that I regretted eating, (I think that's bulima) even if that meant not eating for a day just to balance things out...This weight thing was causing me to lose my mind. Well that phase ended ( mind you I didn't even go to prom because I still was not satisfied with my body after losing 50 pounds..I was 180 at the time...a pretty decent weight considering where I began). I started college and my freshman 15 was more of a freshman 50...yep I gained it all back...and then some.
So now I'm currently a college senior. I am about 5'6 and I weigh a whopping (none of your business!!) pounds. It disgusts me. I hate going out, I hate going shopping, I hate looking at myself in the mirror, I hate when guys call me attractive (I swear its all lies) I hate being overweight, point blank period. You can imagine what this does to my social life. My little sister swears she's a psychiatrist and she often says... "You have to learn to love yourself and be yourself no matter what", well I tried that, its not working. I can't love this body. Its not me, its simply not me.
This journey that I plan ahead of me is life, and if I want it to live life to the fullest I better start making some changes. My epiphanies simply add up to one thing: I am unhappy and something has got to give..my weight.
How am I going to go about losing this weight...I dunno yet. But I do know what I shouldn't do, and that's worth giving a try. This blog is more of a personal vent, and if you have stumbled upon it, feel free to read. At this point I don't really care, (you see I'm more of a shy, quiet type of person and these words would hardly ever be muttered through my lips). Its about time I let go of these suffocating layers...first with these feelings of unworthiness, then maybe the weight...I dunno...I'm not a psychiatrist!
Day 1: Epiphanies Final Meet Up.
They say I've always been a chubby child. You're just born that way. Some even try to use the line, you're just a big boned girl. Umm, after my several years of biological education, I've learned that there is no such term. The correct term is, Fat. Have I accepted that I am fat, yep! I crossed that off my list loong time ago. Have I accepted that I am beautiful even though I'm fat....nope. Just writing it is weird enough.
Yea yea yea, I've tried every diet and nothing works...no seriously, I've tried!! And sometimes, I've even succeed. For example, the 8th grade when I realized I'm going to high school and I want to be liked, I want to make friends, this is my chance to be someone else and open up and hiding my personality under this weight will not help, I went on a "diet". Better yet, I guess you can say I starved myself. I ate as little as I could, and exercised like crazy. I think they have a word for this...anorexia. But come on!! What fat person do you know has anorexia...welp, its obviously possible. Well that phase died out pretty quickly, though I did manage to lose quiet a bit of weight, I was not as successful in keeping it off. So back at square one I went. Theeen senior year...the "OMG! prom" phase kicked in. I joined a weight loss program, and dieted as strict as I could be, and loss like 50 pounds I would say, in a matter of months mind you. Therefore, I looked like instead of managing my food portions and blah blah, I looked like I was starving. But hey! I lost weight, that's all that mattered to me, and I would do anything in my power to keep it off. Even if that meant purging food that I regretted eating, (I think that's bulima) even if that meant not eating for a day just to balance things out...This weight thing was causing me to lose my mind. Well that phase ended ( mind you I didn't even go to prom because I still was not satisfied with my body after losing 50 pounds..I was 180 at the time...a pretty decent weight considering where I began). I started college and my freshman 15 was more of a freshman 50...yep I gained it all back...and then some.
So now I'm currently a college senior. I am about 5'6 and I weigh a whopping (none of your business!!) pounds. It disgusts me. I hate going out, I hate going shopping, I hate looking at myself in the mirror, I hate when guys call me attractive (I swear its all lies) I hate being overweight, point blank period. You can imagine what this does to my social life. My little sister swears she's a psychiatrist and she often says... "You have to learn to love yourself and be yourself no matter what", well I tried that, its not working. I can't love this body. Its not me, its simply not me.
This journey that I plan ahead of me is life, and if I want it to live life to the fullest I better start making some changes. My epiphanies simply add up to one thing: I am unhappy and something has got to give..my weight.
How am I going to go about losing this weight...I dunno yet. But I do know what I shouldn't do, and that's worth giving a try. This blog is more of a personal vent, and if you have stumbled upon it, feel free to read. At this point I don't really care, (you see I'm more of a shy, quiet type of person and these words would hardly ever be muttered through my lips). Its about time I let go of these suffocating layers...first with these feelings of unworthiness, then maybe the weight...I dunno...I'm not a psychiatrist!
Day 1: Epiphanies Final Meet Up.
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