Epiphany

I guess everyone has one. That one moment in time when they realize something has got to give, change is necessary or life will ultimately get the best of you. I wonder if one can have more than one epiphanies. I sure feel like i have. Moments in my life where I feel like I've reached my ultimate low, however, instead of looking for change I dig myself deeper and deeper into a hole I never knew I could reach. Well, here I am...I've reached it.

They say I've always been a chubby child. You're just born that way. Some even try to use the line, you're just a big boned girl. Umm, after my several years of biological education, I've learned that there is no such term. The correct term is, Fat. Have I accepted that I am fat, yep! I crossed that off my list loong time ago. Have I accepted that I am beautiful even though I'm fat....nope. Just writing it is weird enough.

Yea yea yea, I've tried every diet and nothing works...no seriously, I've tried!! And sometimes, I've even succeed. For example, the 8th grade when I realized I'm going to high school and I want to be liked, I want to make friends, this is my chance to be someone else and open up and hiding my personality under this weight will not help, I went on a "diet". Better yet, I guess you can say I starved myself. I ate as little as I could, and exercised like crazy. I think they have a word for this...anorexia. But come on!! What fat person do you know has anorexia...welp, its obviously possible. Well that phase died out pretty quickly, though I did manage to lose quiet a bit of weight, I was not as successful in keeping it off. So back at square one I went. Theeen senior year...the "OMG! prom" phase kicked in. I joined a weight loss program, and dieted as strict as I could be, and loss like 50 pounds I would say, in a matter of months mind you. Therefore, I looked like instead of managing my food portions and blah blah, I looked like I was starving. But hey! I lost weight, that's all that mattered to me, and I would do anything in my power to keep it off. Even if that meant purging food that I regretted eating, (I think that's bulima) even if that meant not eating for a day just to balance things out...This weight thing was causing me to lose my mind. Well that phase ended ( mind you I didn't even go to prom because I still was not satisfied with my body after losing 50 pounds..I was 180 at the time...a pretty decent weight considering where I began). I started college and my freshman 15 was more of a freshman 50...yep I gained it all back...and then some.

So now I'm currently a college senior. I am about 5'6 and I weigh a whopping (none of your business!!) pounds. It disgusts me. I hate going out, I hate going shopping, I hate looking at myself in the mirror, I hate when guys call me attractive (I swear its all lies) I hate being overweight, point blank period. You can imagine what this does to my social life. My little sister swears she's a psychiatrist and she often says... "You have to learn to love yourself and be yourself no matter what", well I tried that, its not working. I can't love this body. Its not me, its simply not me.

This journey that I plan ahead of me is life, and if I want it to live life to the fullest I better start making some changes. My epiphanies simply add up to one thing: I am unhappy and something has got to give..my weight.

How am I going to go about losing this weight...I dunno yet. But I do know what I shouldn't do, and that's worth giving a try. This blog is more of a personal vent, and if you have stumbled upon it, feel free to read. At this point I don't really care, (you see I'm more of a shy, quiet type of person and these words would hardly ever be muttered through my lips). Its about time I let go of these suffocating layers...first with these feelings of unworthiness, then maybe the weight...I dunno...I'm not a psychiatrist!

Day 1: Epiphanies Final Meet Up.