Feel Good...Look Good

So we've gotten the scale back and I've been plateauing BIG TIME. Still at a ten pound loss, but honestly I'm happy its not the other way around. Honestly, I simply could just be trying harder and I need not to lose my motivation. With my crazy schedule, I haven't exercised in a while but I'm getting back on that. My clothes still fit better, and I've still been getting compliments & stuff but I still feel as if I'm right where I started. I've gotten a burst of inspiration a few nights ago from watching a late night show hosted by comedian and actress Mo'nique. Now Monique is a thick woman and is very confident and proud of it. Like som women who flaunt their thin-ness, she flaunts her thickness and I've always admired that about her. I'm far from being that confident and her ppersonality always made me feel proud that not every big girl out there is sad and depressed and has a hard time loving themselves. So ne-way, Monique decided to lose a few pounds for the sake of her health and her family. She has lost 40 pounds thus far and weighs about 220. She looks wonderful I might add. She didnt join any fad weight loss program, or fad diet, or have any surgeries. She simply ate better and exercised. She is still a thick girl, but she looks great, and much healthier. And as usual she looks happy...but a different kind of happy. The kind of happiness that comes from within, from being proud of yourself, from loving every ounce of your body. I want that kind of happiness. The feel good look good happiness. However, during this weight loss journey, I've realized that I have some issues buried under my weigh problem. So no matter how much I lose I will not achievve my place of happiness until I shed what has really been holding me back from enjoying life. I'm filled with insecurites and fears of simply living and there is no clear cut answer on how to make it all better. I guess I found myself on a new adjacent path. I don't only have to fix my outside but my insides need some healing as well....

My Scale Has Been Kidnapped!

So my mom lets a friend borrow the scale and now I have no proof of weather or not I've lost any weight...except for maybe the compliments, the better fit of my clothes, and that overall refreshing feeling when I wake up in the morning.

I think things are going well, and I kinda like not having a scale around. Less pressure and more room for me to breathe so to speak. A little motivation came from my best friend who is also on this weight loss journey and has lost 30 pounds so far. I'm very proud of her...and its a little push for me as well. I just gotta keep moving and exercising even as things toughen up with this new semester kicking my butt already. But newho...

This was just a short update and announcement brought to you by...

MiiSs. KERNiiDEE

Move It & Lose It

Working Out...

I often get motivated to do a workout program and I find myself sticking to it for about a week. Whether it be a membership at the gym, going out for a walk, or using one of the various exercise machines my mother has purchased in attempt to exercise as well, I start and I don't finish.

Well my older sister purchased an exercise dance DVD that is suppose to be exercising and dancing all in one. (BTW: My family is comprised of infomercial shopaholics.) I like to dance though I know I wouldn't dare try any of my moves in public so I thought it was a good idea, however like everything else I never got around to doing it.

Monday I finally popped the CD in my DVD player and to my surprise, I like it. It's actually a fun way to burn lots of calories and possibly learn to dance (lol). Today is Thursday and I've been doing the CD since Monday, now I know thats only 3 days (since I haven't dont it today YET) but I feel as if this may possibly be a workout I can stick to, and that alone gets me excited.

How much have I lost you ask?? I dunno, and I dont want to know. I feel good and I'm happy. Eating right and exercising...most importantly living life. Don't worry I'll give you and update, just not now...

Off to shake me booty!

Still Holding On

God works in amazing ways...

Well I'm still working hard on this new lifestyle I've adapted. It has certainly been a while since I've kept in touch but I haven't given up. Of course it is summer time so that means BBQ's and get together's, beaches and all that good stuff, but happily I have neither gained nor lost any weight, which is A-OK with me. Rather I have learned to balance it out amist all the events that I have had to attend/enjoy. I have even gotten myself to work out at least 30 mins a day to keep myself in shape. Although this is progress, I guess I still lacked what was necessary to change my way of thinking of myself. If you remember my first post on this blog, I was going through an anti-ME phase where I simply could not be happy with myself as I am today and that will held me back. Well..God sees right through me and He sent me a message...

"When God created human beings He created them in different sizes because he loves diversity and being bigger does not mean you are not beautiful. I need to stop seeing people and myself according to size. I am beautiful in the eyes of God. I need to stop putting myself down because I am not thin. (...Mediate on Psalm 139..)"

Well that was from my sister who out of no where just one day said she had a dream and that message was for me. It brought tears to my eyes because it was as if God saw my heart and spoke to me exactly as I needed to hear and brought up everything that was going through my head. I am famous for comparing myself to others, and putting myself down. Most of all I am famous for putting myself down because I am not a size this or that. I am going to aim for a healthy figure, and a body that I can be happy and comfortable with, but that doesn't mean I need to be a size "that girl". I simply need to be a size "ME".

Plateau & Stress

Not that I want to make excuses as to why this week wasn't as successful as I would hope, but this week was tough. I tend to run to comfort foods when things go wrong and I'm working on that, but this week has seriously taken a tool on my spirit.

I refuse to give up though, hence why I plan to try a lot harder and to make up for it this upcoming week, but...*sigh*....Things don't always go as you want it to. I just pray for strength to make it through...not only in terms of this journey, but in terms of all the things I NEED to accomplish this upcoming year but I don't see where the strength to do it will come from. Perfect definition of FAITH right there.

So no jumping up and down this week, but I am still content. I realize that not every week is going to be easy and I'll have my up's and downs, but the joy comes in making it back up again.

....Taking it easy, well trying to at least.

You Look Different ?!

I normally wouldn't think losing ten pounds would make that much of a difference, but I guess it does. I have reached my 10% mark lol. I lost 10 pounds! I am rather proud of myself I might add, yet I still recognize that I have a long way to go, a long journey that I am excited to take. I wonder what I will look like when I have reached the 50% mark.

One thing I would like to change is my control of my weekends. I normally try to give myself one day of the week where I'm not so strict with my diet, just to satisfy one or two cravings, however my free days tend to roll over from Saturday to Sunday. I dont want to end up ruining my achievements for that week in the process of trying to satisfy my mouth.

Otherwise things have been rather nice. My clothes fit a little looser and that is nice feeling to wake up to. (Not to mention the compliments are kool...im not letting it get to my head). I've been busy busy busy with school and all I can think about it sleep sleep sleep, so not thinking about food isn't that hard on the weekdays.

Making the best of this lifestyle...and its not that bad, its actually kind of refreshing :)

Be Good!

Another week has passed... another long hard week. No so much for the dieting, but just life in general which is usually how things go. I lost 5 pounds this week. Yeah I'm happy about it, but not as happy as I thought I would be. Not to say I'm thinking that oh I would've lost more or something, but I'm just not in the mood to be happy today lol. Yeah..I know I'm weird. I think I know why I'm upset today, but I really wish I wouldn't let things like that affect me, but they always do. I don't feel comfortable talking about it yet, so I'll just leave it at..."Don't let other people determine your value". That's hard to do sometimes when you are still in the process of realizing your own worth, but it just sucks...I dunno if any of this makes sense...Im just discombobulated today. Mixture of emotions...but mostly hurt...what's new.
On the brighter note, my 5lbs loss means success. I havent started exercising yet though, but I really want to. Its a matter of making the time to do it, which is never an excuse, but it sure does feel like it after a long day and all you want to do is pass out, but instead you have hw and studying to do. Speaking of hw & studying I better go get to it.
...~Praying for a brighter day~...

Week 1 Down...Life to Go!

I'm slowly adjusting to eating better, not only when I'm at home, but also when I spend a long 6am to 6pm day out at school, or when my friends decide to go out to eat and I have to choose a healthier meal than I normally would, but all things come with time so I'm just pacing myself. It's kinda weird when your the only one eating a salad and everyone else wants burger and fries lol. Though I can't complain too much because these days, those salads actually taste kinda good, and they are pretty filling as well, so I'm gonna enjoy my greens thank you very much!

I am happy to say I've lost 2 pounds! Normally I would starve all week and lose 5lbs (then gain it all back a week later lol), but I'm seeing progress and this makes me happy. Two pounds takes a lot of work, but it's much easier when you don't have to deprive yourself of the things you love. I plan to try to walk on the treadmill at least half an hour each day. Just to help the process along and to tone my body better..I don't wanna be all saggy! That might be a little hard since my 12 hour school day can be quite draining, but I am determined to do better for myself, 1 pound at a time...so ne who, I have to go get some hw done. I'm outtie!

Oatmeal & Fruit

So mommy has this new brilliant weight loss discovery. Oatmeal! It has already been proven that a bowl of oatmeal can lower cholesterol (oh God I sound like a commercial lol) but now I hear that it acts like a sponge to remove fats from the body. So guess what I'm having for breakfast every morning... oatmeal! Though I've hated it for as long as I could remember, its worth a try. I had some this morning, and it wasn't bad. It was actually a life saver cuz I didn't know what I was going to have for breakfast and that normally leads to me picking something out of the refrigerator that I shouldn't be eating.

So I was healthy today, though my trip to see my dad may have lead me to come home seeking "comfort food", I enjoyed dinner with my little sister and just talked it out. So yeah I was good today. Hope this is a long term choice because the first days are hard and I dont want another first day.

Going to hang out all day tomorrow =) Houston we have a life!

Nite Nite...

One Day At A Time

Sooo... Tomorrow is Monday...

I'm not even gonna say it. I'm just going to pretend like it's any other day, and simply try to be a healthier person. All this talk about diets has gotten me to the point where I can no longer stand the word. I think diets sorta imply that you are momentarily going to the extremes for a temporary gain (or in better terms a loss).

I have tons of clothes in my closet that I simply don't wear. It's not that I don't like them, they just don't fit. I go shopping and instead of buying what fits, I buy what I hope to fit in a week, a month, or whenever I finally stop stuffing my face with "comfort food". I think I need a lot of comfort, just not in the form of food. Everyone has their sad life story and I'm not exempt...and no not concerning the weight issue, life has its own agenda of getting me down sometimes, and though my relationship with God is a lot stronger these days and this usually keeps me sane and content, I'm not too familiar with happiness yet.

These past two days, I've eaten less, and also worked on my psychological outlook of myself. It's easy to wake up in the morning and think about all the things that are wrong with your life, but if you wake up and choose something that you like about yourself, and something that you have going for you, the outlook on the day becomes a whole lot brighter. I've also smiled more, whether I feel like it or not. Not like a complete fool walking around the tough streets of NY with a giddy smile on my face, but I've changed my oh so familiar expression of sadness to a face of contentment.

Well I'm off to have some strawberries..(healthy yum! lol) then relax as this beautiful Sunday winds down. I'm actually looking forward to the better me..I just gotta take one day at a time...One God given day at a time.

Lifting My Burdens

I suppose getting over the fact that something has got to give is enough to lift a few weights off your shoulders.

Today I woke up more determined to make a change for the better, and though it hasn't been perfect I definitely feel different. Maybe I was a little harsh on myself yesterday (bad day I guess), but the fact of the matter is, I am unhappy with my appearance. Yes I am a beautiful young woman, but I hide behind my weight far too much and I'm just not satisfied with it.

Today I went with a few friends and I tried something new. I stopped comparing myself with other people. It is something I do quite often and it always yields the same results, the gut feeling that I am a lesser person because I'm not a perfect size this or that. So anyway, today I stopped doing that, and I actually had a good time. I'm not saying I was perfect, but I did feel a sense of just letting go which felt good.

I have this thing where every time Monday morning comes around I start a new diet...and usually by Wednesday or Thursday I've gotten tired of it and binge on something that is far from the planned menu. The only time I can remember actually sticking to my plan was when I was on the diet program. Nothing against it in general, but who wants to go around for the rest of their lives weighing out EVERY LITTLE THING that goes into your mouth. I think that the least I can do though is to take the some tools I've learned from that program and use it to make it past Wednesday and Thursday afternoon, and especially Friday when a pizza always sounds like a great dinner.

Today I wasn't perfect but hopefully I learned something..oh yeah! I did...I am beautiful.

Epiphany

I guess everyone has one. That one moment in time when they realize something has got to give, change is necessary or life will ultimately get the best of you. I wonder if one can have more than one epiphanies. I sure feel like i have. Moments in my life where I feel like I've reached my ultimate low, however, instead of looking for change I dig myself deeper and deeper into a hole I never knew I could reach. Well, here I am...I've reached it.

They say I've always been a chubby child. You're just born that way. Some even try to use the line, you're just a big boned girl. Umm, after my several years of biological education, I've learned that there is no such term. The correct term is, Fat. Have I accepted that I am fat, yep! I crossed that off my list loong time ago. Have I accepted that I am beautiful even though I'm fat....nope. Just writing it is weird enough.

Yea yea yea, I've tried every diet and nothing works...no seriously, I've tried!! And sometimes, I've even succeed. For example, the 8th grade when I realized I'm going to high school and I want to be liked, I want to make friends, this is my chance to be someone else and open up and hiding my personality under this weight will not help, I went on a "diet". Better yet, I guess you can say I starved myself. I ate as little as I could, and exercised like crazy. I think they have a word for this...anorexia. But come on!! What fat person do you know has anorexia...welp, its obviously possible. Well that phase died out pretty quickly, though I did manage to lose quiet a bit of weight, I was not as successful in keeping it off. So back at square one I went. Theeen senior year...the "OMG! prom" phase kicked in. I joined a weight loss program, and dieted as strict as I could be, and loss like 50 pounds I would say, in a matter of months mind you. Therefore, I looked like instead of managing my food portions and blah blah, I looked like I was starving. But hey! I lost weight, that's all that mattered to me, and I would do anything in my power to keep it off. Even if that meant purging food that I regretted eating, (I think that's bulima) even if that meant not eating for a day just to balance things out...This weight thing was causing me to lose my mind. Well that phase ended ( mind you I didn't even go to prom because I still was not satisfied with my body after losing 50 pounds..I was 180 at the time...a pretty decent weight considering where I began). I started college and my freshman 15 was more of a freshman 50...yep I gained it all back...and then some.

So now I'm currently a college senior. I am about 5'6 and I weigh a whopping (none of your business!!) pounds. It disgusts me. I hate going out, I hate going shopping, I hate looking at myself in the mirror, I hate when guys call me attractive (I swear its all lies) I hate being overweight, point blank period. You can imagine what this does to my social life. My little sister swears she's a psychiatrist and she often says... "You have to learn to love yourself and be yourself no matter what", well I tried that, its not working. I can't love this body. Its not me, its simply not me.

This journey that I plan ahead of me is life, and if I want it to live life to the fullest I better start making some changes. My epiphanies simply add up to one thing: I am unhappy and something has got to give..my weight.

How am I going to go about losing this weight...I dunno yet. But I do know what I shouldn't do, and that's worth giving a try. This blog is more of a personal vent, and if you have stumbled upon it, feel free to read. At this point I don't really care, (you see I'm more of a shy, quiet type of person and these words would hardly ever be muttered through my lips). Its about time I let go of these suffocating layers...first with these feelings of unworthiness, then maybe the weight...I dunno...I'm not a psychiatrist!

Day 1: Epiphanies Final Meet Up.